Here are eight guidelines to develop quality communication with your teen.
1. Maintain eye contact when your teenager is talking. This communicates that the teen has your full attention. Refrain from rolling your eyes when you are frustrated, closing your eyes in irritation, or looking over their head.
2. Don’t multitask while listening to your teenager. If you are watching TV, reading, or doing something else in which you are interested and cannot turn immediately, tell your teenager the truth. A positive approach might be “I know you are trying to talk to me and I’m interested, but I want to give you my full attention. Give me ten minutes, and I’ll be able to do that.”
3. Listen for feelings. What emotions are your teenager experiencing? When you think you have the answer, clarify. “It sounds like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot…” The teen has a chance to clarify and it also communicates you are really listening.
4. Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows all give a parent clues as to what the teen is feeling. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what your teen is really thinking and feeling.
5. Refrain from interrupting. Interruptions often stop the conversation before it gets started. Your objective is not to defend yourself or to set the teen straight at the beginning. It is to understand the teenager’s thoughts, feelings, and desires so you can have quality communication.
6. Ask reflective questions. Reflective listening clears up misunderstandings and your perception of what the teen is saying. “What I hear you saying is…..Is that correct?” is a good example. Don’t share your own ideas until you have clearly answered those questions.
7. Express understanding. The teen needs to know he/she has been heard and understood. Asking another question that summarizes what you understand your teen is saying is a great way to demonstrate that you are listening, understanding and valuing the teen’s worth.
8. Ask permission to share your perspective. “Would you like to hear my perspective on this idea?” If the teen says, “Yes”, you proceed to share your thoughts, ideas, and feelings. If the teen says, “No”, then the communication will end.
The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers by Gary Chapman